It’s funny how life works. Just last week I was watching Oliver Stone’s “Any Given Sunday” and wondering what the hell ever happened to actress Lauren Holly. If you remember, she played the trophy wife to Dennis Quaid’s aging quarterback who, in one scene of pure unadulterated bitchiness, berates her husband at great lengths for wanting to retire from a game that’s kept her at the top of her stuffy social circle. A pretty uncomfortable thing to watch for any man fearful of castration and a scene that – when I first saw it back in 1999 – made me feel bad for Dennis Quaid a full year before Russell Crowe started banging his wife. How’s that for being a trendsetter?

But that was almost eight years ago, and since then, I really haven’t seen much of Lauren Holly. And by much, I mean I haven’t seen her at all. In fact, I’ve seen Lauren Bacall more than her and that woman’s been dead for almost ten years now. [Don’t argue with me on this. I have it on good authority that she died back in ’94, but her precious “Bogie” kicked her out of his swinging bachelor pad in heaven and now she’s back in her old decomposing body scouring the earth for Pall Malls and Powers Boothe’s phone number.]

And so here I am today, staring at a photograph of Lauren Holly in an outfit no doubt donated to the Goodwill by Britney Spears and hoping to God she still doesn’t have that fan letter I wrote to her back when she was on “Picket Fences”. Because with the name and address on that letter, she could easily track me down and force me to have sex with her. Not really something I’m too keen on at the moment considering I really don’t like to fuck people that look like my alcoholic mom.

Editor’s Note: When Lauren isn’t doing “the robot” on the green carpet or kneeling down to entice four-year-olds with cleavage as wide as the Mississippi, you can usually find her dressing up her kid in funny T-shirts he doesn’t understand like “Chick Magnet” [see the kid on the left] and getting a big kick out of it.

And would you like to know what I’m going to get a big kick out of? The day Lauren walks out into her backyard and sees her teenage son fucking a chicken. Because unless that kid starts watching reruns of “Happy Days” right now, he’s only going to confuse “chicks” with “chickens” one day and probably die from the bird flu because of it.

I guess it could be worse though. The T-shirt could have said “Dick Magnet” with him joining the Young Republicans Club in ten years.

Now that would be confusing.