Those of you who read this blog regularly know that I am a simple man of great humility; which is exactly why what I’m about to say may come as quite a shock to you.

I’ve had sex with a woman before.

And not just once either, but twice on the same day for only five dollars more. Not really something I like to brag about, but something I’m going to indulge in anyways. Because you see, I learned one very important fact about life that day and I think it’s about time I passed it on to all of you.

Women have smaller penises than men do.

That’s right – it’s true. I’ve seen it firsthand and was probably just as shocked as you are right now. But before you go ahead and do the V-8 across your desk, please allow me to explain why I abstained from my usual modesty, only to turnaround and fill you with such envy.

Jada Pinkett-I-Like-Hyphens-In-Name-Smith is a fucking MAN.

And how do we know this, class? Because she sits with her legs farther apart than I do and I, for one, have an enormous penis. And, as we have thus learned, a woman’s penis is much smaller than a man’s so…

Explanation over.

Now go get high. This way you’ll either make a lot more sense of it or just forget about it. Pray for the latter.

Editor’s Note: …and Will Smith is gay. Or a woman. I’ll leave it up to you to decide. After, of course, you look up who Will Smith is.