Actor Orlando Bloom was apparently all up in Claire Dane’s business last Saturday night after he approached the young actress on the dance floor at the Raisa Gorbachev Foundation party and proceeded to grind her during a performance by the Black Eyed Peas.

From Page Six:

“He was kissing her neck and grinding against her,” reports our snitch. “He didn’t seem to care who saw it.”

Guests included Mikhail Gorbachev, Denise Rich, Salman Rushdie and Nicky Hilton.

God, how I hate these tricky brain-teasers. Maybe I should just give up on it now. I know I’m probably never going to get it. Damn you, Orlando! Couldn’t you have found a more attractive woman to hook up with? It would have made everything so much easier.

Ok, enough of this stalling. I’m just going to go ahead and take a stab at it. My guess is…Clai…no, Orla…no, wait…Claire…yes, Claire. Claire Danes is definitely the one doing the slumming here. While they’re both eight shades of ugly and lack any considerable amount of talent beyond that of maybe peeling an onion, I would definitely have to go with Claire Danes. If only because she was the one smart enough to do that remake of “The Mod Squad” while he was still growing his hair out back in sissy boy school.

Editor’s Note: If you look at the last two photographs, you will see Orlando and Claire enjoying a good laugh with former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. And if I was to hazard a guess – something I am obviously an expert at – I’d say that they were probably laughing about that music video “Two Tribes” and how Gorbachev narrowly missed being made fun of by those daring hecklers from Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Dah, that was a close one. Ha, ha, ha.