If I was that pit bull, I’d be licking Jessica Alba a lot lower than that. [The Green Straw]

I think you pulled it off, Aaron; Tori really thinks you’re dead. Enjoy the rest of your life in peace. [Best Week Ever]

If the hairdresser who patched Victoria Beckham’s bald spot had a sense of humor, he would have made that patch weigh ten pounds. [The Skinny Website]

Nurse Fergie is here to make you feel all better. Or maybe just make you throw up. It’s a coin toss really. [Popbytes]

The FBI raids a Massachusetts home and seizes photos of Angelina Jolie’s baby shower. Man, what the fuck. I mean, really, what the fuck. Since when did celebrities get their own secret police? Oh yeah, since ever. I guess great granddad was right again; celebrities are the new Nazis. [TMZ]

Up for auction: Alec Baldwin’s 4th generation 20GB iPod. The perfect gift for that one special person in your life that continuingly calls you “faggot” for wearing your hair too long. [Defamer]

After nearly 10 months in the slammer, Lil’ Kim will finally be released come July 3rd. You’ve been warned. [Dlisted]

As an avid cyclist, I just wanted to remind everyone that the Tour de France starts tomorrow and you can watch it live on OLN beginning at 8:30 am/est. And yes, we do wear those tight shorts because we’re gay. [Le Tour de France]

Pretty boy Josh Duhamel was apparently bested Tuesday night after getting in a row with everybody’s favorite scumbag Tommy Lee at the Bella nightclub in Los Angeles. According to witnesses, the slapfest began after Duhamel pounded on the door to the men’s room and yelled “Hurry up!” while Tommy Lee was inside.

From Page Six:

“One of Josh’s friends said, ‘Stop, Tommy’s in there,’ ” reports our spy. “Josh replied, ‘Tommy who? Tommy Lee, who cares?’ Tommy heard that and came out of the bathroom. Words were exchanged and Josh ended up on the floor - I don’t know if he was pushed or punched. Josh bolted outside and called for Tommy to meet him and ‘fight like a man.’ Tommy was restrained and sent out the back door by security. Josh never did get to use the bathroom.”

While I didn’t actually witness this pathetic display of celebrity machismo myself – I was too busy on the other side of the nightclub making Perez Hilton dance for drinks – I am quite certain that Josh Duhamel did not end up on the floor that night because Tommy Lee either pushed or punched him. That, my friends, would have been almost impossible.

First off, Tommy Lee couldn’t push a shopping cart full of feathers and Nicole Richie, much less a guy with that much gel in his hair. As for punching somebody, come on, everyone knows that Tommy Lee only punches defenseless women while they’re sleeping; no way he’d ever raise his fists to someone who could actually beat him until his tattoos screamed.

So the way I see it, there’s really only one explanation for why Josh Duhamel ended up on the floor like that – he was accidentally knocked over by Tommy Lee’s enormous penis.

Cheer up, Josh. It happens to the best of us.

Editor’s Note: None of this would have ever happened if poor Josh had just brought his fiancé/bodyguard Fergie with him. One head butt from her/him and Tommy Lee would have spent the next six months snorting coke through his eyeballs.

Special Note To Josh Duhamel: I can appreciate the whole “come outside and fight like a man” routine, but come on dude, the guy’s got Hepatitis C. You don’t want to be anywhere near him when he opens up. Unless, of course, you’ve got your serial killer gloves on, then please, by all means, beat the piss out of him for us all.

It’s nice to see that actress Anne Hathaway has officially chosen a side in the Hollywood turf war between pale celebrities and tan celebrities. I just hope she and Nicole Kidman can recruit a few more members before the big rumble Saturday night because as it stands right now, they’re totally fucked. Not only are they gravely outnumbered, but rumors have it that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have finally put aside their differences and we’re spotted at Jessica Simpson’s house last night splitting a cheese sandwich in an effort to bulk up.

In yet another desperate stab for attention, former tennis pro and all-around crybaby John McEnroe has revealed that while he may have tweaked the nose of ex-wife Tatum O’Neal in the past, he never physically abused her as described in her 2005 autobiography “A Paper Life”.

From Contact Music:

MCEnroe says, “Well, it’s true I tweaked her nose, but I do that to all my kids. It grabs someone’s attention, but it hurts. “There are other times when I defended myself so I didn’t get hit. “I never hit her. She hit me - but if you hold someone so they don’t hit you, that can be regarded as pinning them down. If someone is going to hit you in the face, you’re not going to let them to that. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it.”

Ok, I already know what you’re about to say:

“Hello, wake up, it’s fucking 2006 – not 1992, you douche-bag. No one cares about any of this shit and you really need to get back to writing about Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears because those whores make me laugh with all their whoreyness and stuff. Now pass me the butter, fool. Mama’s getting hungry.”

Well, Mama, excuse me for being a little bit nostalgic for some of that old school gossip here, but I just miss it so. Spousal abuse, drug addiction, illegitimate children – it was so much simpler back then. Not like now. Oh no, now it’s all about sex tapes, religious indoctrination, and fake pregnancies – three things I didn’t like experiencing in high school and three things I sure as hell don’t want to talk about now.

So forgive me please for boring you with this story about two middle-aged narcissists who like to beat the shit out of each other. I am well aware that it’s not nearly as interesting as Paris Hilton’s man-eating vagina or Tom Cruise’s intergalactic war with the Klingons, but sometimes I just can’t help but dare to be different. Call me the Liberace of blogging if you will – only instead using a lavishly-decorated piano, I use the sticky yellow keyboard I bought at Clay Aiken’s garage sale last month.

Yes, it is as gross as it sounds.

Even though I wasn’t invited to the wedding because of my close relationship with Tom Cruise, I’d still like to congratulate Nicole Kidman on her marriage to some guy I’ve never heard of yesterday.

As you can see, they look incredibly happy together and really seem to have gotten past the fact that one of them is a coked-up alcoholic who likes to have things [i.e. manly things] shoved up his ass. I can just tell that they’re going to be married for a long, long time [i.e. five months] and maybe even have some children too [i.e. one with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome].

Editor’s Note: Oh mighty Zeus, hear my prayer. Please let this child’s complexion favor that of the father. This way the poor child will be able to enjoy the benefits of a light bulb without bursting into flames and also keep my own daughter from coming home one day, squirting a box drink in my face, and saying “That’s for lying to me about ghosts, shithead!”.