I am a changed man.

After toiling away for ten days in the jungle that is Rachel Weisz’s vagina, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been sorely neglecting the needs and wants of this blog’s female readership. Therefore - in an attempt to rectify this appalling oversight - I have decided that, from now on, I will make a more conscious effort to mock the idiocy of just as many male celebrities as I do female celebrities and even include some sexy photographs of them in the process. This way members of both sexes and/or sexual orientations will be able to share in the joy the Hebrews call “orgasmic laughter”, leaving only peace left to ring out across the land.

So here you have it, ladies and gentle gay men [I’d like to give a quick shout-out to my uncle Steve who’s probably reading this right now. Hey Uncle Steve! You go! You grab that ass! Make us all proud, man!] of all ages, some photographs of actor Tobey Maguire looking all sexy and shit on the set of “Spiderman 3”. And by “shit” I mean looking a lot like the “Fonz” without his leather jacket on. Only Tobey’s a lot sexier than that guy since he’s about six inches taller and doesn’t smell like garlic all the time.

Editor’s Note: Since I am so new at this whole “let’s mock out a male celebrity who’s not Tom Cruise” thing, I totally forgot to give you something about Tobey Maguire to laugh at. So here it is in all its belated glory…

Ok, after viewing this video no less than 18 times, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing funny about it at all. In fact, if this video teaches us anything, it’s that Tobey Maguire is an acting powerhouse. That and he likes to make out with older woman.

Just be thankful I cut it short.

It’s pretty obvious that this photograph of K-Fed and his goons was taken by a photographer standing upwind from them because otherwise we’d be looking at a picture of some feet through a cracked lens right about now. [Dlisted]

Axl Rose is back and in desperate need of a bra. [The Green Straw]

Instead of creating laws to combat the stupidity of both Britney Spears and Tom Cruise, wouldn’t it be easier for California to just ban stupid people from living there? No, wait a minute - I think that would actually be harder. Nevermind. [Celebrity Nation]

If you’ve ever wondered what Britney Spears will look like after she accidentally kills her son, well, wonder no more. [The Velvet Hot Tub]

For the first time in my life, I’m glad I’m not a carrot. [Best Week Ever]

Now that Howard Stern has called Paris Hilton “an animal”, I can only hope that one of his whack job listeners hunts her down and kills her. Unless, of course, somebody did that years ago and is now just walking around wearing her skin. Man, that would explain so much. [Tabloid Whore]

Kate Moss fights a 1 MPH wind. [The Skinny Website]

For those of you with just a little bit of imagination, you have to check out this photograph of Sarah Jessica Parker walking in front of the grill of a Mack truck. Such pleasures… [In Case You Didn’t Know]

When Katie Couric stands in front of the CBS logo, it looks like she has a halo and wings. How ironic. No, fitting. Sorry, I meant fitting. How fitting. Yes, that’s it. [Jossip]

As I mentioned in a previous post, I will be leaving on Monday to explore the unknown. If I am not back by May 29th, my possessions are to be divided among my most faithful readers: Bevvie, Virenda, Barb, Babydoll, Shane, Oprah, and Tom Cruise. [The Blog You Love To Hate]

After watching tonight’s episode of “American Idol”, I am now convinced of three things:

1. In a dancing contest, Paula Abdul could easily out dance most strippers. Or at least the ones I keep tied up in my basement.

2. In a drinking contest, Paula Abdul could easily out drink every Mongoloid in a Nepal bar…including Karen Allen.

3. In a cackling contest, Paula Abdul could easily out cackle Liza Minnelli. So when Liza finally dies next week, look for Paula to be crowned the new number one erection killer in America.

Now that actress Michelle Rodriguez has lost both her driver’s license and her job, I think it would be best if you all stayed out of Beverly Hills for the time being. Unless, of course, you like being accosted by homeless lesbians in dirty wifebeaters, then please - by all means - continue to go about your business in the city of rich white folk. Just don’t come crying to me when she tries to rape you with her tongue. Or Charles Bronson either. The man only hunts rapists in heaven now.