I don’t know exactly which Olsen twin this is, but if I was to guess I’d have to say it was the surly one Frank. Because only Frank would stop by a parking meter like that and entertain the idea of cutting the head off it. Kind of like what Paul Newman did to all those parking meters in “Cool Hand Luke”. Only instead of being sentenced to a chain gang, Frank would probably get off with just a warning and that would be a real shame. Because if there’s one person in this world that really needs to eat fifty hard-boiled eggs in an hour, it’s that anorexic fuck Frank.

Editor’s Note: See how I refrain from making obvious comments like “Where’s Mary-Kate? I can’t see her behind that parking meter.” or “Here we have a photograph of the Olsen twins taking a stroll together.”? Good. Now go back to looking up “Cool Hand Luke”.

Proving once again that absolutely no one listened to Nancy Reagan and her cries to “Just Say No!”, actress Halle Berry has admitted that as a child, she dreamed of finding a magical pill that would turn her skin white.

From Female First:

The 39-year-old – who was the first black woman to win an Oscar, for her performance in ‘Monster’s Ball’ – is quoted as saying: “Being a black woman I’ve struggled with that my whole life – feeling that if I changed, my life would be better.”

Forgive the blunt headline, but sometimes I need a little reminder that Halle Berry is indeed black. Because usually when I look at her, I just see an attractive woman desperately trying to act without being laughed at. In fact, if I was walking down the street one day and passed by Halle just as someone snatched my man-purse, I probably wouldn’t even name her as a suspect. That’s how white this girl looks to me.

So I guess it’s probably good I never became a cop then, or was ever relied on to pick the teams for basketball during gym class. Because given my current inability to properly identify black people, I would have probably been thrown off the force for letting a few drivers go unharassed or pummeled with jockstraps in the locker room for picking Klemenski over Washington. Two things I’m glad I really didn’t have to endure since life is already hard enough with the black man always keeping me down.

Further proof that Josh Duhamel is a serial killer. [The Green Straw]

Teri Hatcher gets an apology from “The Sun” for making up sexy stories about her. Now if only she could get God to apologize for making her so god damn ugly. [Jossip]

Courtney Love actually looks kind of hot here. I wonder if she’s working a better corner now. [Popbytes]

Surely Jessica Simpson could have found something a lot more practical to wear around her neck than just her old wedding ring. Like maybe a noose perhaps. Or possibly even a dead fish to mask the smell. [Celebrity Nation]

Those must be the boots Kylie Minogue had on when she kicked cancer’s ass. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Luke Perry has a stalker. And for just twenty dollars, I’ll stalk you too. [Tabloid Whore]

David Hasselhoff saves Iranian women by exploiting American women. He’s King Walmart in reverse. He’s King Walmart with a curse. [The Velvet Hot Tub]

Kelly Clarkson owes me lunch and a new pair of jeans. [Yeeeah!]

Hey Tori, when your dress begins to look like that, it means you’ve washed it one too many times. [Dlisted]

Jenna Jameson conspired with John Wilkes Booth to kill Lincoln. Now let’s hope she shows up at my doorstep tomorrow to correct me. Naked. [Hollywood Tuna]

Or she’s simply auditioning for the role of Mrs. Howell in the all-new all-singing and dancing Latino revival of “Gilligan’s Island” on Broadway. You decide.

Either way though, I think we can all agree on one thing: Eva Longoria has truly mastered the art of snobbish posturing here. Just check out the position of that nose. If it was any higher, she’d be knocking satellites out of orbit and causing some kind of international incident between the Americans and the Chinese. Now that’s what I call talent.

Editor’s Note: If you’re one of the few people out there that doesn’t like Eva Longoria or the way she looks at you with disdain in her eyes, then please allow me to present to you this gift: a high resolution photograph of her ugly mug. This way you can print it out, hang it up, and throw darts at it all day. And don’t forget to draw some bull’s eyes around those enormous pores of hers for points.

See them there hills? Well, you better start running for them, motherfucker, because the end is most definitely near.

According to People.com, both Brooke Shields and Katie Holmes fulfilled prophecy earlier today by giving birth to healthy baby girls within just hours of each other.

From People.com:

Brooke Shields gave birth to her second child, a daughter named Grier Hammond Henchy, on Tuesday, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

The baby, who was born in Los Angeles, weighed in at 7 lbs., and measured 20 inches.

Meanwhile, in the bat cave…

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise “joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today,” Cruise’s rep said in a statement after PEOPLE first broke the news Tuesday afternoon.

“The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well.” Suri was born in an L.A.-area hospital.

Ok, so maybe the end is not exactly as near as I thought. In fact, if I remember my prophecy teachings correctly, the mythical battle over the fate of mankind is not scheduled until 2026, so you should still have plenty of time to stock up on bottled water and Saltines before heading for them there hills.

Personally, I’ll be rooting for the offspring of Brooke Shields to win since I am currently using prescription meds to quiet the voices in my head. A treatment that I am sure would be immediately prohibited if the offspring of Tom Cruise somehow walked away the victor.

Oh yeah, and then there’s that famous little line from the prophecy that reads:

“…and only darkness will be born from the unholy union between the gay man and his concubine.”

That pretty much puts me in Grier Hammond Henchy’s corner too. I mean, who the hell would want some kind of unholy darkness from Tom Cruise’s loins to rule the land? Not me, that’s for sure. And probably not you either, especially once you check out the truly frightening results I got from putting the name “Suri Cruise” into an anagram generator.