If you’re an upper middle class white woman with delusions of racial harmony, then you’ve probably seen every episode of Oprah since at least 1996 [the year Oprah was officially recognized as an honorary white person] and should no doubt remember Meg Ryan’s positively creepy appearance on the show last March. But in case you somehow forgot or simply missed it because you were too busy picking little Johnny up from soccer practice, then please allow me to sum up the show for you with these five easy-to-read independent clauses:

“Meg Ryan had plastic surgery.”

“Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid split in a mutual and amicable way”

“Meg Ryan only fucked Russell Crowe after the split.”

“Meg Ryan has a puffy face.”

“Russell Crowe is not a home-wrecker.”

Yep, that’s right. After six years, the truth is finally out. Russell Crowe is not a home-wrecker, but a really great guy who should not only be praised for taking all the heat over Meg’s breakup with her husband but for also doing it with a lot of grace as well. Or so says the puffy face of Meg Ryan.

But what I think we all want to know now is: what the hell does Russell Crowe have to say about all of this? Well, it took him over a month to finally sober up and give a response, but here it is in all its glory.

From Contact Music:

He says, “It would have been nice to hear (her) say that a few years earlier. “A lot of the badboy thing and attendant pressures came from that time. Everything seeps out from that, and a mould grows over you, because of the implications. “(However ) it’s really brave that she finally got around to talking about it in public… the horse has bolted and life has moved on.”

Ok, aside from the strangely erotic reference to mold, I think Russell Crowe may be on to something here. Maybe he really is a nice guy who just got involved with the wrong person. Maybe getting involved with Meg Ryan is like growing up in a bad neighborhood or getting picked on in school or having a father that beats you or a mother that uses you like an ashtray. Maybe it’s Meg Ryan who’s really to blame for Russell Crowe taking a bite out of his own bodyguard or beating up that BAFTA producer in the bathroom or throwing his phone at some poor guy’s head. Yes, maybe Meg Ryan is to blame for all those things. Just like how the black man is to blame for always keeping the white man down and why I still can’t find a good job outside of the meat packing industry.

Damn you, Meg Ryan! Damn you and your little Chinese baby that will one day take over the world and make me really, really sorry for what I just wrote!