Actress Teri Hatcher joined co-star Eva Longoria Tuesday as the second cast member to experience an injury on the increasingly dangerous set of “Desperate Housewives”. According to reports, Hatcher suffered damage to her right eye after a light bulb exploded a little too close to that big head of hers. While not nearly as serious as the mishap involving Longoria and the pole that fell on her head last year [you know, the one that made her even shorter and more retarded], Hatcher is still expected to be out of commission for at least two days.

From People:

“Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea,” the actress tells PEOPLE exclusively. “I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and now am wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face. I like to look at the positive and the good news is, the cornea is the fastest healing tissue in the body.”

Well, this has got to be the least surprising news item I’ve read all day. After all, if Teri Hatcher can shatter a mirror by just looking at it, why not a light bulb? Seems like a perfectly natural progression if you ask me. It’s not like she has the “shine” or something. There’s no complicated psychic or telekinetic bullshit at play here. She just ugly. Plain and simple. You know it. I know it. And Ryan Seacrest knows it. Only Ryan knows it a little more than we do since he’s the one who actually tried to give her head by sucking on her tail.

Last Sunday night, I managed to catch part of this show called “Robot Chicken” on television. I forgot what channel it was on exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was either The Discovery Channel or The History Channel given that I found the subject matter to be quite educational.

For example - before seeing this documentary - I had absolutely no idea that Lindsay Lohan was a slurring drunk forever locked in immortal combat with the likes of Amanda Bynes and Hilary Duff. Not only that, but I also learned that once you chop off someone’s head, it doesn’t grow back. Ever. Not even when you sprinkle it with holy water and wait six months like it says in the Bible. Or was it my book on gardening that said that? Ah, who cares? All I know is that now I have five months of laundry to do and a god damn funeral to plan. Word of God, my ass.

Editor’s Note: Hey ladies [or effeminate-looking men], I’m officially single. Who wants me?

Unless I just cured your hiccups, you’re probably cursing me out right now and wishing me dead. This I can understand. After all, you probably came here looking for fun and excitement and were instead greeted with absolute horror. For that, I apologize. Deeply.

In fact, from here on out, I give you my word as both an American and a scoundrel that I will never, ever show another picture of a crucifix again. Swear to God.

Editor’s Note: Yes, I know. I’ve already broken my word by posting some more photographs containing the crucifix below. But look at it this way. By not breaking up this lovely set of photographs, I was able to feed my OCD and keep myself from picking up that gun and killing my neighbors. Something I’m sure no one would want since I currently live next door to both Tom Cruise and Paula Abdul.

The blackmailers over at Page Six are reporting today that actress Sienna Miller has dumped her “Factory Girl” co-star Hayden Christensen in favor of old flame Jude Law and even flew to Los Angeles last Friday to stay with him and his four children at a rented house in Topanga Canyon. What is not known, however, is whether Sienna was allowed to graciously sleep inside at the foot of Jude’s bed or was instead forced to spend her nights outside in the yard, chained to a post with little water.

From Page Six:

But she’s determined to stay independent and is moving from her and Law’s home base, London, to New York. “She wants to buy an apartment there,” said a friend. Miller was spotted last week checking out an apartment in Harrison Ford’s building in Chelsea.

Ok, I’m confused. I thought Sienna Miller was the type of broad who took no shit off nobody. The kind of woman who, if crossed, would not only kill you, but would also kill your family, your dog, and burn your whole fucking house to the ground. A female Al Capone if you will. Only instead of being nicknamed “Scarface”, she’d go by the name “Ratface” and eat cheese in a threatening manner.

Or at least that’s the impression I always got from the endless parade of photographs showing her either sneering at or scratching the shit out of the paparazzi who stalk her. Just check out some of the new candids I posted below. Even with a child in her arms, she looks more menacing than motherly. In fact, I’m kind of surprised she didn’t just flip the kid upside down, swing him around like a butterfly knife, and attack the paparazzi like some sort of crazed Triad member. You know she wanted to. Hell, you can even see it in her eyes. But I guess it’s a good thing she didn’t since Jude would have only scolded her in public for doing so. And that, my friends, would’ve just been embarrasing.