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IE? Too bad.
The Britney You Love To Hate

April 28, 2006

The Photos You Love To Hate

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[Jessica Alba - US Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Awards / April 26, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your enjoyment these high resolution photographs of Jessica Alba’s alleged nipple slip from Wednesday night’s allegedly cool and ultra-hip Hot Hollywood Awards. Do with them what you may. Personally, I have no use for them since all I have to do is roll over to see her nipples. But since you’re probably not as lucky as I to have access to things like chloroform and rope, I decided to go ahead and post them anyway.

Ok, I’m sorry. I can’t go on with this charade any longer. It just wouldn’t be fair to you or the trust you have in me to always tell the truth. So here it is - the truth: that’s not really Jessica Alba’s right nipple peeking out from behind that lace bra of hers – it’s an eye. Yes, that’s right. Jessica Alba has been sneaking Mexican illegals across the red carpet again.

Forgive me, Jessica, I didn’t want to rat you out but what you’re doing is just plain wrong. Even more wrong than what you did with my penis last night, or at least that’s what my 18 years of Catholicism keeps telling me.

 

Jessica Alba 1Jessica Alba 2Jessica Alba 3Jessica Alba 4Jessica Alba 5

[Jessica Alba - The Inspiration Awards / April 27, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Way to go, guys. Because of you, Jessica Alba showed up at last night’s Inspiration Awards dressed like she was going to the funeral of Laura Ingalls Wilder. All that was missing was maybe a bonnet and an opium pipe. Maybe next time you should think before posting candid photographs of some poor girl’s nipple slip on the internet. Because right now, every guy out there is furiously masturbating to a woman dressed like a Puritan pilgrim and trying to get off before the guilt kicks in.

 

Brittany Murphy 1Brittany Murphy 2Brittany Murphy 3Brittany Murphy 4Brittany Murphy 5

[Brittany Murphy - US Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Awards / April 26,2006 - Click To Enlarge]

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Brittany Murphy had rickets as a child. That or she thinks she’s a fucking superhero. Either way, I think she should be immediately put down for striking poses like that in such a short dress without a cape around her neck. I know I did it to my dog.

 

Robin Williams 1Robin Williams 2Robin Williams 3Robin Williams 4Robin Williams 5

[Robin Williams & JoJo - Total Request Live / April 27, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

It’s common knowledge that Robin Williams is one hairy motherfucker. People have made jokes surrounding this fact for over two decades now. That being said, I am still amazed at how hairy this motherfucker is. Check out his arms in the third photograph. You’d have to shave them to take his pulse. And come on, is he really reaping the benefits of a T-shirt here? His forearms are probably warmer than his shoulders, for crying out loud.

Trivia Question: What one thing does Robin Williams and Brittany Murphy have in common? [You can find the answer in the comments section below]

 

Tom Cruise 1Tom Cruise 2Tom Cruise 3Tom Cruise 4Tom Cruise 5

[Tom Cruise - Shopping in Paris / April 26, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Someone from Tom Cruise’s camp sent me these photographs today. I think they were trying to threaten me in some way because I’m feeling kind of paranoid at the moment. To think that I could actually walk down the street one day and have Tom Cruise not only approach me but also touch me is pretty damn scary. This is why I’ve decided to move out of NY and go back home to Antarctica where it’s safe. Did you get that?

Filed under: Jessica Alba, Tom Cruise, Brittany Murphy, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 5:22 pm Permalink


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April 27, 2006

Teri Hatcher’s Way

Teri HatcherActress Teri Hatcher joined co-star Eva Longoria Tuesday as the second cast member to experience an injury on the increasingly dangerous set of “Desperate Housewives”. According to reports, Hatcher suffered damage to her right eye after a light bulb exploded a little too close to that big head of hers. While not nearly as serious as the mishap involving Longoria and the pole that fell on her head last year [you know, the one that made her even shorter and more retarded], Hatcher is still expected to be out of commission for at least two days.

From People:

“Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea,” the actress tells PEOPLE exclusively. “I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and now am wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face. I like to look at the positive and the good news is, the cornea is the fastest healing tissue in the body.”

Well, this has got to be the least surprising news item I’ve read all day. After all, if Teri Hatcher can shatter a mirror by just looking at it, why not a light bulb? Seems like a perfectly natural progression if you ask me. It’s not like she has the “shine” or something. There’s no complicated psychic or telekinetic bullshit at play here. She just ugly. Plain and simple. You know it. I know it. And Ryan Seacrest knows it. Only Ryan knows it a little more than we do since he’s the one who actually tried to give her head by sucking on her tail.

They Call Her One Eye

Note to Teri Hatcher: Since you have two days to kill, why not remake “They Call Her One Eye”? It could be a big hit for you. No, not that kind of hit, you coked up whore. This kind…

hit [noun] - somebody who or something that is popular and successful

Source: [People]

Teri Hatcher 1Teri Hatcher 2Teri Hatcher 3Teri Hatcher 4Teri Hatcher 5

[Teri Hatcher - Horse Event / April 24, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Filed under: Teri Hatcher, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 6:17 am Permalink


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April 26, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Is A Violent Drunk

Last Sunday night, I managed to catch part of this show called “Robot Chicken” on television. I forgot what channel it was on exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was either The Discovery Channel or The History Channel given that I found the subject matter to be quite educational.

For example - before seeing this documentary - I had absolutely no idea that Lindsay Lohan was a slurring drunk forever locked in immortal combat with the likes of Amanda Bynes and Hilary Duff. Not only that, but I also learned that once you chop off someone’s head, it doesn’t grow back. Ever. Not even when you sprinkle it with holy water and wait six months like it says in the Bible. Or was it my book on gardening that said that? Ah, who cares? All I know is that now I have five months of laundry to do and a god damn funeral to plan. Word of God, my ass.

Editor’s Note: Hey ladies [or effeminate-looking men], I’m officially single. Who wants me?

Filed under: Lindsay Lohan, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 5:16 pm Permalink


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April 25, 2006

Jaime Pressly Has A Great Personality

Jamie Pressly

Unless I just cured your hiccups, you’re probably cursing me out right now and wishing me dead. This I can understand. After all, you probably came here looking for fun and excitement and were instead greeted with absolute horror. For that, I apologize. Deeply.

In fact, from here on out, I give you my word as both an American and a scoundrel that I will never, ever show another picture of a crucifix again. Swear to God.

Editor’s Note: Yes, I know. I’ve already broken my word by posting some more photographs containing the crucifix below. But look at it this way. By not breaking up this lovely set of photographs, I was able to feed my OCD and keep myself from picking up that gun and killing my neighbors. Something I’m sure no one would want since I currently live next door to both Tom Cruise and Paula Abdul.

Jamie Pressly 2Jamie Pressly 3Jamie Pressly 4Jamie Pressly 5Jamie Pressly 6

[Jaime Pressly - Express Uniform Kick Off Party / April 21, 2006 - Click To Enlarge At Your Own Risk, Especially The Third One]

Filed under: Jaime Pressly, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 7:29 pm Permalink


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Sienna Miller Is A Glutton For Punishment

Sienna MillerThe blackmailers over at Page Six are reporting today that actress Sienna Miller has dumped her “Factory Girl” co-star Hayden Christensen in favor of old flame Jude Law and even flew to Los Angeles last Friday to stay with him and his four children at a rented house in Topanga Canyon. What is not known, however, is whether Sienna was allowed to graciously sleep inside at the foot of Jude’s bed or was instead forced to spend her nights outside in the yard, chained to a post with little water.

From Page Six:

But she’s determined to stay independent and is moving from her and Law’s home base, London, to New York. “She wants to buy an apartment there,” said a friend. Miller was spotted last week checking out an apartment in Harrison Ford’s building in Chelsea.

Ok, I’m confused. I thought Sienna Miller was the type of broad who took no shit off nobody. The kind of woman who, if crossed, would not only kill you, but would also kill your family, your dog, and burn your whole fucking house to the ground. A female Al Capone if you will. Only instead of being nicknamed “Scarface”, she’d go by the name “Ratface” and eat cheese in a threatening manner.

Or at least that’s the impression I always got from the endless parade of photographs showing her either sneering at or scratching the shit out of the paparazzi who stalk her. Just check out some of the new candids I posted below. Even with a child in her arms, she looks more menacing than motherly. In fact, I’m kind of surprised she didn’t just flip the kid upside down, swing him around like a butterfly knife, and attack the paparazzi like some sort of crazed Triad member. You know she wanted to. Hell, you can even see it in her eyes. But I guess it’s a good thing she didn’t since Jude would have only scolded her in public for doing so. And that, my friends, would’ve just been embarrasing.

Source: [Page Six]

Sienna Miller 1Sienna Miller 2Sienna Miller 3Sienna Miller 4Jude Law

[Sienna Miller & Jude Law - April 23, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Filed under: Sienna Miller, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 1:03 pm Permalink


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