Now you no longer have any excuse for not looking as good as Truman Capote. For as long as you follow his tried and true method, you, too, can be a god among men. Or, at the very least, a god among chubby gay guys over the age of 50.

Source: ["Murder By Death"]

[Brittany Murphy - "Liza With A Z" Screening / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Looks like Brittany Murphy has been dying her hair again. The only problem though is that she appears to be dying her eyebrows right along with it, and that’s really not a good idea since one little mistake could easily leave her blind. And if there’s one thing you don’t want to be in Hollywood, it’s blind. Because in a town full of actors, even somebody as bad as Gary Coleman could still manage to convince you that he’s Denzel Washington and there’s just not enough soap in the world to get yourself clean after that romp.

[Emily Deschanel - Genesis Awards / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Ok, just so we’re clear:

Zooey Deschanel = hot and quirky actress with talent

Emily Deschanel = drunken bobblehead with a blotchy* complexion

*Similiar to taking a dead body, hanging it upside down, and watching the blood pool up in its face.

[Jessica Alba - Women in Film / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

In an effort to show off the flaws of Jessica Alba, I’ve decided to keep the first three photographs in the highest resolution possible. This way you can all get a good look at the mole that famously resides near her chin and even create a back story for it if you like. Personally, I like to believe that it is a remnant of some sort of third nipple and that if she ever gets pregnant one day, she’ll be able to squirt milk out of it. Something I’m sure is scientifically improbable, but definitely not impossible considering that her father is actually an alien from the planet Mexico.

[Natasha Henstridge - LA Fashion Week / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Hey, look everybody. It’s Natasha Henstridge from “Species” and “Species II” and “Species III” and…um…yeah. She’s hot.

[Vanessa Marcil - Star Casino Night / 2003 - Click To Enlarge]

Yes, I know. These photographs of Vanessa Marcil are old. Really old. But you know what? I don’t care. I like them and that’s all that matters. After all, I live in a free country and I can do whatever I bloody please. Even this…that;s rght ……..i ;m ptying wizh my pennnis righth now % nooone can stop me. Hey, practice really does make perfect. Look – not one mistake. Hey, somebody call up Fran Tarkenton because what I’m doing right now is nothing short of incredible.

Source: [Contact Music]

[Vanessa Marcil - Erica Durance - Sarah Carter - Jessica Biel - Krista Allen - Click To Enlarge]

Kid Rock sex tape to stay under wraps

I’m sure somewhere within that injunction exists phrases like “for the good of mankind” and “to protect children everywhere”. Not that they really needed an injunction in the first place. I mean, who the hell would want to watch a tape of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp having sex anyway? Hell, I’d rather beat off to a copy of Tod Browning’s “Freaks” and that shit ain’t even in color.

Blake Works As Ranch Hand, Plans Comeback

At 72, I fear his comeback may be limited to staying awake during breakfast and not pissing all over the seat at three o’clock in the morning.

Crowe Buys Majority Interest in Rugby Club

Wow, this news is about as shocking as Tom Cruise buying a majority interest in a Greco-Roman wrestling club.

Ben Stein: Troops Were Snubbed at Oscars

Any moment now I’m expecting the media equivalent of a reach around from the military stating that pedophiles were also unfairly snubbed at the Oscars. Cheer up, Ben. You’ll get your day in the sun soon enough.

Patriot Act Game Pokes Fun at Government

If you plan on buying this game, I suggest you use cash. Unless, of course, you like being electrocuted upside down in a barrel full of water while your kids enjoy the toys from their brand new daddy.