Well, since I spent the better part of my day consoling Tom Cruise after his fiancé dumped him yesterday, I haven’t had a chance to post yet today. But as luck would have it, I just turned on the television and realized that my Tivo was currently recording tonight’s episode of “American Idolâ€. Talk about a perfect opportunity.
And so it begins – in some civic center in Pasadena, California. 44 contestants left with only 24 spots remaining. Bring on the tears. And the cursing. And the parking meter smashing.
Ryan Seacrest just did the math. 44 – 20 = 24. I’m tellin’ ya. The man’s a genius. And I’m not just saying that because he’s my boyfriend. Sorry, Tom. Oh, stop your blubbering, you wimpy bitch.
Ryan explains tonight’s new method of torture:
1. Sit in the “holding†room with the other contestants. In chairs that look like they belong at my grandmother’s dining room table.
2. Take the elevator alone. Well, except for a camera that I’m sure is there to try and embarrass someone for releasing the tension by either farting or masturbating.
3. Take a long walk to a chair in front of the judge’s table. A chair I hope is at least electrified for the Brittenum twins.
First up…
Jessica Santos – Sorry, it’s a no. Great, now Mexican Christmas is ruined.
Bobby Bullard – Sorry, it’s a no. I wonder if he was even awake to hear them. Probably not since Paula was smiling again. [She likes to touch people when they’re sleeping. Believe me. I know.]
Brooke Barrettsmith – Sorry, it’s a no. And she leaves them with kisses of her bad breath. And maybe even an airborne disease as well.
Nick Whitten – Sorry, it’s a no. Because your chin looks like Simon’s hairy asshole and we just can’t have that on TV again.
Stephanie White – Sorry, it’s a no. Just too white for this TV show. Try “Seventh Heavenâ€.
Five down…and Paula looks like a French prostitute. Isn’t that a song?
Crystal Stark – Sorry, it’s a no. You just look too much like Philip Michael Thomas and that will only scare away our drug-addicted viewers [i.e. 95% of them – and yes, you may include me in that number].
Katharine “Nanny†McPhee is upset that Crystal didn’t make it through. And she explains all of this to Ryan’s mouth.
Bobby Dillard – Sorry, it’s a no. See Bobby Bullard.
Katharine “Nanny†McPhee – Yes, she made it. And she kisses all three judges. On the lips. Slut.
Ace Young – Yes, he made it. If Tyrone Power was a hippie, his name would be Ace Young. Although if that hair gets any longer and he begins to solve mysteries on ABC, I may just have to change that to Stephanie Powers.
Antonio Bridges – Sorry, it’s a no. But, on the bright side, here’s a 25 dollar gift certificate to McDonald’s. American Idol – making dreams come true.
Eugenia Littlejohn – Sorry, it’s a no. And, at 26, she thinks her career is over. Well, I disagree. You have to have actually had a career before it can be over. P.S. – Stop Breeding!
Robert Bennett Jr. – Yes, he made it. And coming out of that elevator was like coming out of the closet. Fat gay pride all the way, baby.
Speaking of fat…
Mandisa Hundley – Yes, she made it. Simon hurt her. Boo-Hoo-Hoo. Lay off the cheeseburgers. If anything, do it for Jesus. Being fat is a sin.
Free ride. Take it easy.
Nervous montage. Not many future members of the bomb squad here.
Melissa “Nanny†McGhee – Yes, she made it. But only because she’s got the best stash this side of the Mississippi.
Mark Adam Locklear – Sorry, it’s a no, nature boy.
Lisa Tucker – Yes, she made it. Unfortunately though, at 16, she’s a little bit too old for Simon.
David Radford – Yes, he made it. If Frank Sinatra was alive, he would buy this kid a drink and then kick his ass for pretending to drink it. Mimicry does not equal talent, rich boy.
Jose “Sway†Penala – Yes, he made it. And on his birthday too. I wonder if he got Paula to blow out his candle.
Elliott Yamin – Yes, he made it. But it looks like half of his beard didn’t.
Brenna Gethers – Yes, she made it. I know I’m not the only one wishing she would get hit by a double-decker bus. She’s a sociopath. You can see it in her eyes.
Marcy Smith – Sorry, it’s a no. The second woman in a row with tight jeans rolled up to her calves. Is this a new fashion statement inspired by Hurricane Katrina?
Four more out in a quick montage. Damn you Fox for not prolonging their misery.
Gedeon McKinney – Yes, he made it. And a good thing too considering he’s the greatest thing that’s ever lived. Yes, even better than the Clapper.
Stephanie Scott – Yes, she made it. She loves everything except Gedeon McKinney and Brenna Gethers. Why? Because her love’s just not good enough for them, that’s why.
Ayla Brown – Yes, she made it. And yes, money did just change hands.
Chris Daughtry – Did he make it? I don’t know. He’s stuck in the elevator. See, this is exactly why God does not have a sense of humor. Because if he did, the elevator would have gotten stuck when Mandisa Hundley was in it. Yes, he made it.
Why will this not end?
People making lists. Crazy people do that shit. Seriously.
Rebecca O’Donohue – Yes, she made it. God, is she ever ugly. Hide your eyes, children.
April Walsh – Sorry, it’s a no. There’s something very USO about her. Pardon me, boys…
Heather Cox – Yes, she made it. She couldn’t approach the judges? Was that just a stipulation for her and her mild case of herpes? Hey, don’t sass me. I should know. I gave them to her.
William “Bucky†Covington – Yes, he made it. I see a shave and a haircut in his future. Or maybe just a decapitation.
Patrick Hall – Yes, he made it. And he’s obviously in love with Ace. What a man-whore.
Kevin Covais – Yes, he made it. This kid’s face always looks flushed. Must be all that excitement from breathing.
Paris Bennett – Yes, she made it. She says she lost a little bit of her charisma. She didn’t lose it – Kevin Covais stole it. Did she just try to hug one of my grandmother’s dining room chairs?
Bring on the Brittenum twins and the computer animated jail bars…
Fox News Flash – the Brittenum twins are thieving bastards and out of the competition. Couldn’t have happened to a better pair of assholes.
Kellie Pickler – Yes, she made it. Sorry, but I’m just not buying her bullshit. I guarantee you that she’d slit your throat in a Greensboro minute to get ahead.
Taylor Hicks – Yes, he made it. Damn straight. Taylor Hicks is the man. And if America votes him off, I will journey through the country filling you morons with some Alabama lead.
Four people left. Two staying and two going home.
And wouldn’t you just like to know what happened too.
After Marlon Brando died and went to the great big McDonald’s in the sky, many people believed that they had officially seen the end of eccentric Hollywood actors owning their own islands. That is until late 2004, when actor Mel Gibson decided to take the tidy profits from his surprisingly well-received religious snuff film and buy an island of his own in the South Pacific. The only difference though is that while Brando populated his island with half-naked Tahitian women and an endless supply of Big Macs, Mel Gibson has begun to be populate his with dying remnants from the 1950’s.
