If you ask me, there are worse things in this world to be called than “just another dumb blonde”. A “Republican” would be one. “Dad”, of course, would be another. And, if you’re someone who’s particularly sensitive about their looks, I guess you could throw “Sharon Stone” into that mix as well. So why is it that someone like Jessica Simpson – a woman who currently enjoys a complete lack of mockery over her own troll ancestry – suddenly stepping forward and taking offense to being called what our more civilized British counterparts like to refer to as “a fair-headed twit”?
According to Contact Music, Jessica Simpson is simply furious over her whole “dumb blonde” image and blames the producers of her now-defunct reality show for making her appear a lot more stupid than she actually is.
From Contact Music:
She says, “People should know there was a script of sorts and I just played that role.
“I am nothing like that character.”
Hey, I’m no sucker. I know that all these reality shows are actually scripted in some way. I mean, how else could you explain why any woman would want to waste their time fighting over a man who calls himself Flavor Flav or why any man would patiently wait in line for their shot at some over-the-hill cheerleader named Trista instead of just signing up for the local gang bang down the street. [Today’s Star: Eve Plumb. Special Guest Star: Gary Coleman. Banging begins promptly at 8 pm. No flash photography allowed.]
What I don’t understand, however, is why Jessica Simpson freely went along with this so-called “script of sorts” in the first place; especially since every piece of “direction” she took only made her look more and more like “a complete fucking moron”. Something you would think only “a complete fucking moron” would do.
Of course, there is one thing that would explain why she felt so compelled to act like “a complete fucking moron” for those three short seasons on MTV. She could be a silent sufferer of the disease they call “Eugenelevyitis”. A disease that forces its victims to accept and abide by any script that passes before their eyes. And, if that is indeed the case, then Jessica really needs to take a nice long look at the following page from my new script called “The People At My Door”.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
A man, ERICH VON STROHEIM, lumbers over to a poorly constructed futon and plops down in front of the television. He has a smile on his face.
ERICH
God, how I love these Saturday night marathons of “Full House”.
As the “FULL HOUSE” THEME FILLS THE ROOM –
TV
[off screen]
What ever happened to predictibility?
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.
Everywhere you look , everywhere you go (there’s a heart).
There’s a heart
A hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look , everywhere you go.
There’s a face
Of somebody who needs you.
Eveywhere you look,
When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home,
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
Erich digs at the potato chip crumbs lodged inside his belly button. He’s still smiling.
Suddenly, the DOORBELL RINGS. The smile disappears.
ERICH
Who the hell could that be?
Annoyed, Erich rolls off the couch and heads for the door. The DOORBELL RINGS again.
ERICH
Hold on, you impatient cocksucker!
He stumbles. Again and again. Obviously drunk, he finally makes it to the door. In just under five minutes. He opens it.
EXT. DOORSTEP – DAY
JESSICA SIMPSON stands just outside the door. Naked with a purse in her hand. Erich is not amused.
Jessica smiles. She’s even a bigger idiot in person.
JESSICA
Yes, it is.
ERICH
Well, what are you waiting for? You know what to do.
And with that, Jessica reaches into her purse and pulls out a .45. She puts it to her head just as Erich slams the door shut.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
A GUNSHOT ECHOES outside as Erich makes his way back to the futon. This time with an even bigger smile on his face.
FADE OUT.
Kissing Uma Thurman is like kissing a stroke victim. [
