Yes, it’s Tuesday night and I am back to live blog [re: Tivo-buffered blog] tonight’s stirring episode of public stupidity.

What!? “American Idol” is only on for an hour tonight? This has got to be the best thing I’ve heard all day. Wait a minute. What’s the catch? Oh, the state of the union address is on tonight. Looks like Tuesday has become the official night to make an ass of yourself on national television. My only hope is that most of these people wear pants, especially you, George, you free-swinging son of a bitch.

Tivo buffered at 15 minutes. Let’s do it.

Tonight’s episode was directed by Ken Warwick. No, I don’t have an address, but I do know where he has lunch. E-mail me.

So let me get this straight – they spent two hours on North Carolina, but they’re only going to spend one hour on Las Vegas. I bet CBS and CSI had something to do with that. Bullies.

First idiot up is…

Alexia “Dylon” Lincheta – #78162: What a truly pathetic get-up. Everyone knows that if you’re going to pretend to be Jamaican, you got to pretend to be high first. Well, that whole audition would have been a lot more fun if he had just went in there with a gun and told everybody to kiss the floor like he was playing the part of “Crazy Jamaican #2” in an old episode of “Baretta”. Damn, now the guy’s crying in the confessional; probably because he was also turned down by the Hair Club for Men.

Holy shit! A walking card. I thought they were extinct.

Flashback to Bobbie May – the crazy psychic who reminds me on an owl in heat. Scary. But wait, at least we get to see good old Kenny Loggins again. I wonder if he still parties in the danger zone – which, at his age now, is probably an extra strip of bacon for breakfast.

Bobbie May has a sister. And she is our next contestant. Erica Davis – #78409: To be honest, I’ve heard worse. And by worse I mean, Kenny Loggins. Yeah, take that, Loggins. I’m not afraid of you.

Next up…someone who will make it through because she has a BACK STORY. Just like all the characters on “Lost”. I really need to get me one of those. Anyway, she’s a belly dancer and loves to entertain people. And her name? Why, Mecca Madison, of course. Her number? 78166 – Which means she actually sang before Erica Davis. What strange trickery is this? Damn those psychics and their powerful abilities to shift time.

Commercial I said. Commercial she said. Commercial it is then…

Ryan Hart – #74130: This guy’s got attitude and likes to inhale instead of exhale when he sings. Can someone say “sex slave for Simon”?

Heather Ward – #78456: She works in a prison. I knew I recognized her from somewhere.

What? Another commercial. Ok…

Jason Andino – #78201: Is it politically correct to do an Italian accent? Because if it is, Ima gonna writa lika thisa froma nowa ona.

Wow, Paula passes again. That’s two in a row. She really needs to get off the rag and back onto the bottle.

The John Sebastian “Welcome Back” montage includes a bunch of people I’ve never seen before; probably because I’ve pushed the memories of them out of my mind to make room for more “Dr. Who” trivia. Oh yeah, and you thought those people were losers.

Anthony Andolino – #75439: Sure, he’s a big guy who really can’t sing, but they still should have sent him on to Hollywood. At least then the animals would have had a chance to come up with a plan of escape.

The Pearson Twins – #73002 – 73003: Finally, our first pair to stand in numerical order. An advertising bug for “Bones” popped up on the screen as soon as they walked into the judges’ room. Coincidence I think not.

David Mandzak – #73245: I’m afraid to write something bad about this guy because if he does a vanity search on Google and finds out that I think he SUCKS, he may very well try to find me. Ah, fuck it. Hey David! You suck. Yeah, you – David Mandzak. Come and get me, you dancing fool.

CSI joke montage. A bit late on that one, Ryan.

Haggai Yedidya – #72892: Time to close the borders, people. Just make sure Yuliya Matus is on the right side of it this time.

Princess Brewer – #78285: She’s black? God, this is getting painful. I have this uncontrollable desire to just punch her in the face right now.

“I Will Survive” needs to be banned from airwaves everywhere and I’m just the man to do it. Baby, get me my shotgun.

Another montage. This time to “Hair”. All that’s missing is a naked Treat Williams and John Savage playing on the grass together. And by playing I mean, well, I think you know what I mean.

Taylor Hicks – #74094: He’s got gray hair. Crazy, man, crazy.

FIN

Austin tomorrow. But not for me.

If your idea of a good time is to sit back and watch as young women scream in peril then you’re, most likely, a misogynistic asshole who hates his mother and likes to slap his wife around. If, however, you think I just made a sweeping generalization about those of you who simply enjoy a good ol’ fashioned slasher pic then you’re all, most assuredly, just a bunch of poor misguided misogynistic assholes in denial.

Furthermore, if you’re someone with a houseful of children who carelessly allows all of…

*SLAP*

Ok, now that I’ve successfully wrestled my wife away from the computer, let me properly introduce these advance stills from the new prequel to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. As you can already see, the lovely Jordana Brewster will succeed Jessica Biel as Leatherface’s next entrée while R. Lee Ermey will be on hand to play the “can you trust him or does he really just want to eat you” Sheriff Hoyt.

And while I rightfully have some reservations about how good the film is going to be – especially since it’s being helmed by the obviously drunk director behind “Darkness Falls” – I can’t help but be a little bit excited about it. After all, it’s not everyday you get to watch a new film that sparks the imagination and gives you even more ideas on how to beat that ungrateful wife of yours.

If you were alive about twenty years ago, you may remember a time when only bikers, ex-convicts, and merchant marines had tattoos. For guys like these, tattoos were a way of showing the world that not only could they endure the pain of being jabbed with a needle for hours on end, but that they also dearly loved their mothers and weren’t afraid to show it.

Nowadays, however, tattoos have moved beyond that simple statement of machismo and creepy oedipal love, and into a more instructive realm for the stupid and easily forgetful. Like actress Lindsay Lohan – the sometimes drunk asthmatic who recently got the word “breathe” tattooed onto her wrist.

From Toronto Fashion Monitor:

“It obviously has a double meaning,” said a friend. “It’s about the asthma attack, but also a reminder to just slow down and enjoy life.”

First off, it’s nice to know that Lindsay Lohan can actually read and that she doesn’t really hire washed-up actresses like Penelope Ann Miller to read her scripts for her. It’s also nice to know that if I ever bump into Lindsay Lohan one morning at a nightclub for coked-up assholes and anorexics, that she will immediately drop to her knees and give me head. Something I’m sure my friends never counted on the night I passed out drunk and woke up with the words “suck my cock” tattooed on my forehead.

Given the current size of Janet Jackson and the ease at which she could kick my ass, I’ve been feeling a lot less manly lately. Therefore, I’ve decided to post an image of one celebrity whose ass I know I could kick – actress Jordana Brewster.*