The Brothers Grimm [2005]
Matt Damon and Heath Ledger play the aforementioned brothers in this box office flop on folklore by director Terry Gilliam.
Hey Terry, if you really wanted people to go see your movie, maybe you should’ve come up with a title that doesn’t immediately depress them at the ticket counter. People want to laugh and have fun at the movies, not wallow in some computer-generated mire with two ugly guys. The least you could’ve have done was to name it something like “The Brothers Merry†or “The Brothers Gayâ€. Now those two titles would’ve have definitely attracted some people looking for a good time, especially in the Midwest.
Cry_Wolf [2005]
Because I am the most clever [and smelliest] man alive, I am going to simply say this: “Cry_Wolf†is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. That being said let me say one more thing: Lindy Booth in a wet bikini. Run, my friend, run for your nearest Blockbuster!
The Exorcism of Emily Rose [2005]
Based on the true story of a nice Christian girl from Nebraska who left home for college in New York City and came back a free-thinking socialist with bi-sexual tendencies and a nose ring.
Four Brothers [2005]
The first time I saw this film, I was sitting in a little theater on the south side of Chicago surrounded by black people [back then we called them “Negroesâ€]. The year was 1965 and the film was called “The Sons of Katie Elderâ€. John Wayne was the star.
Now, 40 years later, I went and saw it again. This time it was called “Four Brothers†and Mark Wahlberg was the star. Once again, I saw it in that same little theater on the south side of Chicago and, once again, I was surrounded by black people [now called “African-Americansâ€]. The only difference this time around though was that all the black people were dressed in suits, while I was still wearing my old “George Wallace for President†T-shirt and trying to keep my dentures in.
Damn you, affirmative action! Damn you and the white liberal you rode in on!
The Great Raid [2005]
Oprah. Refrigerator. Get it? Good. Move on…
Must Love Dogs [2005]
Shouldn’t this movie just be called “Must Love John Cusack� After all, no one is going to freely love this guy unless someone demands it. As for Diane Lane, I personally think she’s been loved one too many times if you know what I mean. You do, don’t you, ya cheeky bastard.
Serenity [2005]
You know what? I loved the show “Firefly†and I loved this movie. However, it appears that my good friend Joss Whedon has the exact same problem as director Terry Gilliam: the complete inability to pick a good title.
I wonder how many women just walked into Blockbuster right now and rented “Terms of Endearmentâ€, “Beachesâ€, and “Serenity†in the hopes of creating the perfect tear-jerker triple feature for tonight. My guess would be the same amount of women who show up at work tomorrow morning sporting a shiner from their husbands.
The Amazing Race: The Seventh Season [2005]
I’ll tell ya what’s amazing; the fact that you’re still reading this blog.
Battlestar Galactica Season 2.0 [2005]
If you don’t buy this new half-season box set of “Battlestar Galacticaâ€, I’m going to call up Edward James Olmos and tell him you’re a cheap bastard with lots of luncheon meat in your fridge. While that may not sound very threatening to you right now, it will be the day you walk into your kitchen and see him rubbing that meat all over his face.
The Biggest Loser Workout: Volume 1 [2005]
Workout #1: Sit in your parent’s basement for 18 hours a day and write a blog of absolutely no importance. Now blow your head off. Congratulations, you are the biggest loser. Goodbye.
Name: Fredo Corleone from “The Godfather Part II” [as played by the great John Cazale - an actor whose death from bone cancer kept him from ever making a bad film...here. As for in hell - well, that's an entirely different matter. Especially after "The Godfather Part Eternity : The W[h]ine of Fredo”.]
