Yes, I know everyone is getting sick and tired of all of the Tom & Katie photos, but this one is different. For the first time ever, the reincarnated ball of light that is Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard has been captured on film.

Following him wherever he goes, the ball of light guides Tom on his difficult journey through life by telling him things like:

“Burn it, Tom. Burn it to the ground.”

“Eye of the tiger, Tom. Eye of the tiger.”

“That’s it, mister! If you stick one more penis in your mouth, you’re going into time out!”

“They’re all going to laugh at you.” [cue echo]

“Mom always said not to play ball in the house.”

“The floor is not a hamper, Tom.”

“Super-size it. Tom, super-size it. Did you super-size it because from back here it didn’t sound like you did. No way, I can’t believe they got rid of it. If I had known, I would have just ordered another fry. So…you think you can maybe turn around and drive thru again. Ok, ok, just asking.”

“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. There you go. You got it.”

“I’m gonna go over to Kirstie’s for awhile. Try not to lock yourself in the closet again while I’m gone.”

“Listen to Barney, dum-dum.”