The world’s first face transplant

Oh, I see. So it was the French who did the world’s first face transplant and not John Woo in the Nicolas Cage/John Travolta action vehicle “Face/Off”. I guess that also means that Rob Zombie really hasn’t been skinning the faces off his actors either. Damn you, Hollywood – your deceiving ways only serve to confuse me. Next you will be trying to convince me that if I looked under Rob Zombie’s house, I would find nothing more than some dirt, cigarette butts, and decomposing bodies. Nice try, but my treasure map says different.

Bush pitches war strategy

“I see it as a kind of “Pretty Woman” meets “Ishtar”, except we replace the hooker with a heart of gold with a good ol’ boy with lots of bling. And for comic relief, we can bring in those commie bastards Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman to play his commanding officers. Those guys are funnier than 30,000 dead Iraqis and 2,000 dead American soldiers trying to have a picnic in the middle of a bombed-out school. Yee-haw!”

US set to carry out 1,000th execution this week

Congratulations, Kenneth Boyd! As our 1,000th victim, you’ve won yourself a lifetime* supply of M&M’s – the milk chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

*Limited to one party-sized bag a week for twenty years or until the recipient’s death – whichever comes first. Non-transferable to Hell as it is not an after-lifetime supply.

Water Scorpion Fossil Found in Scotland

And to think they would have never found the fossil if not for Sean Connery passing out on top of it after a long night of binge drinking and whoring around. I guess now we know who the real Dr. Jones is. Oh, don’t cry Harrison. You still have Han Solo.

U.S., Canada seek way around border passport plan

Hey, here’s a novel idea. Why not just build a fifty-foot wall between the two countries and be done with it? This way we can keep Alex Trebek and they can keep the broken body of Celine Dion after we catapult her back over the wall. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.